1 year – TTC
August 29th, 2010 @ 8:45 pm

Where is the worst place to go if you are Trying To Conceive?

think about it…..Do you know yet?

The OB/GYN!!! Yep, that is where I spent my time on our 1 year mark. I was literally the ONLY girl in there NOT pregnant. Talk about a slap in the face. I felt like the giant elephant in the room. I was aware of what it was going to be like but at previous offices there would be at least a couple of other girls not pregnant, but this office there wasn’t even one.

This week marked 1 year for trying to conceive. I really cannot believe it. I never thought we would have been trying for a year for the 2nd child.

Why should I? We figured out my diagnosis the first time around and how to fix it, so why should I think things would be so different this time?

I really thought it would take a couple of months to figure out the right dosage and then we would be pregnant. I still can’t get over it. My husband said it didn’t feel like a year to him. I thought, it did but it didn’t at the same time. I definitely think having a child already has really helped make the time go by quicker and I am more distracted.

I had my first judgmental experience last month. It was actually from my own uncle. I haven’t seen him since my wedding, so for 7 years. He was asking me how many kids I had. I told him and he goes “and you ONLY have 1 kid after 7 years?!” I wish you could hear his tone of voice. It was the most judging tone ever. I tried to write it out in a way you would read it like the way it sounded.

What I said in response to him was “well, it isn’t a lack of trying.” And then he says “you know, they have things that can help with that now.” And I said, “yeah, I know, I have tried them and they aren’t working.” That was that. I really could not believe that my first judgmental comment came from my own family.

Later, when I was driving home with my mom, I mentioned how I couldn’t believe how judging he was and she said she was so proud of the way I handled it and that my aunt (not his wife) felt bad for how rude he was. I am sure people judge us when they see my family and how old my son is, but no one has actually said anything to me about it yet. I think this is just the beginning of what I am going to hear the older my son keeps getting.

Another thing that is hard for me, is that in these last few weeks my son has took on a imaginary brother named Elmo. Out of nowhere, he will go, “I have to go get my brother mom.” Then he goes to the front door, opens it, invites his brother inside, and then brings him over to me to give him a kiss. After that he plays with him. Even though this is cute, it breaks my hear at the same time. It is so sad that he wants a sibling and has to play with a imaginary one. I mean really? One more thing to feel so guilty/sad over.

I feel like now, I need to make up for his lack of a sibling by taking him on trips/to new places/to do as much as possible. It is the way I feel like I can make up for my guilt. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty but I do because he doesn’t understand why he doesn’t have a sibling. It doesn’t help that almost every friend/family member either has a sibling or will be having a sibling in a few months and he doesn’t. He doesn’t know the circumstances. At least he hasn’t asked why yet. I’m sure that will come next year.

I don’t really have another plan for what we are going to do to TTC. I did start a diet and I hope I will lose those last 10 pounds from my last pregnancy and in hopes that it will help me to ovulate. Besides that, I am at a stand still. I guess being at a stand still has finally put me in a spot where I don’t really feel like talking about it as much. I still appreciate people asking me how I am doing and caring about my feelings, but I feel like I have nothing good to say right now. I don’t have any hopeful thing to look forward to right now for this. Therefore, I have stopped writing much about it. What is left to say? Not much. Only negative comments, so I might as well not say anything at all.

This is where we are at right now. Please don’t feel like you cannot talk to me about this because that is not the case. I just don’t have anything to bring up about it right now. I am trying not to think about much and having my husband away in school all the time now makes it extra hard to conceive. So we will see what this next year for TTC will bring.

thoughts/feelings

3 Comments

  1. amy
    said,

    August 30, 2010 at 8:14 am

    I am so sorry! that sucks. It will be ok. Something, somehow will work out. Kelton was 8 when I had Sam….

  2. Dianne
    said,

    August 30, 2010 at 9:25 am

    That would suck . . .but soon you’ll be talking about buying diapers, formula, baby wipes, etc. Hang in there. Still wishing for the best.

  3. chels
    said,

    September 7, 2010 at 10:10 am

    Gotta love IF anniversaries. It’s always a little shocking when they come around. I’m sorry yours is a year, I’m sure you never thought you’d be here. It’s especially hard when you’re in Waiting Land. Sorry for the judging family members too, that really sucks.

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