September 25th, 2010 @ 9:58 pm
I have been MIA for a little bit because I have entered into a new chapter in my life. I have started my year of single motherhood. My husband went back to school for his masters. He now works full time and goes to school full time. Therefore, this has put me into single motherhood for a year.
As we get further into the year, my husband is spending more and more of his home time studying or working on his side jobs (like work and school full time wasn’t enough) than with his family. It is a hard change to go from having my husband home full time, even with him working at home, to only seeing him 2 days a week.
I am becoming more and more like a single mom and getting more and more tired everyday. My tiredness is the reason that I have not been writing as often. I only get two hours to myself every night and when it comes down to it, I just don’t want to be writing, thinking, or doing anything during that time, which isn’t possible because than I have to pick up the house.
This single motherhood is so hard. Ever since I had a child, I have had an immense respect/appreciate for any single parent because I knew how hard parenting is and to do it alone would be so hard. I think single parents are seriously the strongest people ever. It is hard to do every aspect of parenting and to go go go all day long until 8 or 9 pm. I am starting to feel very tired. I feel like my eyes are so heavy every day. I have been getting worse with my patience and my mood. I hate how I am becoming, and yet, I am too tired to fix it. I swear, us woman are way too hard on ourselves. Hopefully my body will adapt to this change, just like it did with a new baby.
Through all this tiredness, I am even more so thankful for having a partner to relieve some of the parenting here and there. And I am so grateful for all the hard work that my husband does. We just want to be appreciated/acknowledged from our husbands.
I have always been one of those women who is definitely not okay with being a single married parent. As in, doing all the parenting, housework, etc alone even though I am married. Now, of course, there are those situations where you may have to be, but I know so many women who do EVERYTHING and their husband just gets a free ride and can just choose when they feel like being a parent or husband. I am not okay with this. I am definitely all about women power and not the old fashioned chauvinistic ways of the women doing everything.
I know that the men work hard earning the income (in most cases) and they should. But why is that an excuse for them to not have to help out with ANYTHING? Why is what they do all day harder, more tiring, more important, etc than a woman’s day? It is not! I cannot stand when I hear a women (usually older one’s) say that it is our womanly duty to have the house clean, kids clean, dinner on the table when the man comes home. NO, it is not! Is it nice? Yes. Do we try hard to have a nice home for them and to be a great wife/mom? Yes. But no matter what, it should NEVER be expected from a man to expect their wife to do everything and while they do nothing around the house including parenting in return. I get so mad when I see my friends living in a home like this. I so badly just want to shake them and say “tell your husband no.” Put your foot down. It breaks my heart for them and I always wonder how happy they are.
I have a husband who has known from the beginning my feelings of co-parenting being a CO thing and not a single thing. He knows it does not fly with me to be the only one taking care of the kids. I am glad that I told him my feelings on parenting early on in our relationship, so we didn’t have this problem. I am grateful that we dated for a while before getting engaged because we took time to talk about these things before the situation was raised. I hope if you are a woman living a single married parent life right now, that you will find strength and be able to put your foot down and let your husband know that things are going to change. When TWO people choose to have a child, it takes TWO people to create that child, and it takes TWO people to parent. It doesn’t all of the sudden only take one. If you take on that responsibility then you are just as reliable as the woman is. There are no free passes to parenting.
Another thing that I have learned in my single motherhood year, is that it is so important to get some time for yourself. I actually learned this right after I had my child, but it has been reiterated lately as I am getting further into this year. I don’t have a chance to go to the doctors, get my hair done, get the car fixed, or do things alone because I don’t have my husband home or my family around to watch my child. I feel like I have exhausted my favors of my friends to watch my child because I have to use them when I don’t have my babysitters for work (not that they said that, but I just feel bad). I definitely don’t feel like I can ask a friend to watch my child so that I can have a break. They need a break, just as much as I do. Every woman does. So, I don’t get a break.
I went on a girls night out tonight, for the first time in awhile, and it was so nice and so needed. When I got home, DH and I had a talk about some things that needed to change so that I can get a break at least one night or day. I am not even asking to not have my child around when I do so, but just for him to take a break from school/work and to take on the parenting for that time.
By writing this, I am not asking for a pity party or for handouts of babysitters. I just needed to get it out there and show my respect for single parents. I will get through it, of course. And I am lucky enough to only have to do it for a year, when there are so many others who have to do it for years and years or maybe forever. I applaud you.